Not another Lord of the Rings parody
by Sakura Sama 101
Summary: this is a parody that me and my friend wrote over the weekend. we did all 3 movies and some parts of the books where the movie doesn't go into great detail. there is loads of OOC ness and yah more is said inside
1. Chapter 1

_well, this is my first lord of the rings story…and the happening of it was me and my best friend are studying fantasy literature in English class or LA, and one of the stories we're studying is the Lord of the Rings, and on the same weekend we went to her house, we had some cola at her grandmas and we watched all 3 lord of the rings vids and read a little bit of the book where the movie didn't go into much detail. The coke kicked in halfway through the first movie and I came up with the bright idea of writing this parody. And we ran it by Jesse who also helped us write it and he was laughing so hard so we deemed it fanfiction worthy. (we have seen the movies before and I have been raised reading the lord of the rings as a bedtime story so we know our stuff, we just wanted to make sure)_

_I'm just letting you know now, THERE ARE OCS IN THIS!! We're letting you know now so you can still click off, there are no pairings with the ocs…well at least one of them. The other isn't really obvious until the very last chapter…and even then there is little going on. (feel free to pretend the ocs are you and a close friend.) the ocs purpose in this story is to make fun of everyone else and more besides! We painstakenly made sure that they weren't mary-sues._

_OH BAILEIGH!! IF THIS IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN WHEN WE WROTE IT…IT'S BECAUSE I GOT SOME BRIGHT IDEAS WHEN I WAS TYPING THIS!!!_

_Warnings: EXTREME OOCNESS!! It is a parody after all, mild swearing…really retarded stuff that might not make sense…and bashing of pretty much all characters. _

_Disclaimer: We don't own lord of the rings, or any other stuff we mention _

_JRR Tolkien is going to be spinning in his grave right now…_

Our story begins in the small town of bree, yes the town with that fat barman with a poor memory….gotta love the fat man….

Aragorn and another hooded figure were sitting in their shaded corner in the bar of the prancing pony.

"I'm starting to hate that old wizard." The person next to him spoke. The voice was feminine.

"Ssh. The hobbits are here." Aragorn whispered. They both watched the hobbits check in and order drinks.

"What on earth is that?!" Sam asked Merry.

"This my friends is a pint." Merry answered.

"It comes in pints!?" Pippin asked. "I'm gonna see if they have anything larger! Like…a gallon!" he left.

After a while frodo suddenly freaked out and then fell over, the ring flew from his hand and went in the air and landed on his finger and disappeared.

"What the fuck!? Never mind him disappearing but what are the chances of that ring landing on his finger?!" the hooded figure took a ring off her clawed finger and threw it in the air, and tried to get it to land on her finger but instead it landed on the table. "This is so going on mythbusters…"

"Jaydie…we're supposed to get Frodo now…"

Jaydie was too busy phoning mythbusters to care. Now Frodo, Aragorn and Jaydie were in a hotel room…

"Who are you guys?" Frodo asked.

"Your worst nightmare…" Jaydie muttered lifting her hood. She had dark red hair that came to her shoulders and light brown pretty much honey coloured eyes that had slits for pupils. Grey feathers poked from the top of her cloak.

"Jaydie go set up decoys in the other room." Aragorn ordered. She came back not too much later. Slowly the hobbits went into a light sleep only until Frodo, Jaydie and Aragrn were awake. Suddenly the high-pitched screams of the ringwraiths cut through the night air. All of them were alert, waiting. Aragorn gave the explanation of the Nazgul.

'Yes, I know…it means we gotta haul ass!' Jaydie thought.

The next morning they all travelled in the bushes. Jaydie had her cloak off and thus they saw the reason feathers were poking out of her hood, she had grey speckled wings and bird legs along with feathers on her upper arms and legs. She was a harpy (Baileigh requested I use this character.).

Aragorn sniffed. 'Damn this cold I have!' the hobbits stopped behind him and began to unload bill the pony. "We don't stop until night fall."

"What about breakfast?" Pippin asks.

"We've already had it."

"We've had one yes, what about 2nd breakfast?" Pippin asks. Jaydie walks past them "she's half bird isn't she?"

Jaydie turns to him "I'm 70 bird."

"Then laying eggs will be no problem." Pippin answers.

"I am a harpy, NOT A CHICKEN!! DO YOU THINK LAYING EGGS IS EASY?!"

"It looks easy, all you gotta do is sit there."

"LAYING EGGS IS LIKE PULLING YOUR BOTTOM LIP OVER YOUR HEAD!!" Jaydie does so. Pippin pulls his lip back down. And she stalks off.

"You're on her bad list forever." Aragorn says before walking away. He chucks apples at them. By nightfall they reach weathertop. "Whatever you do, don't light a fire."

"Unless you're blonde." Jaydie said. They both left. No sooner did they leave did they light a fire. At around midnight Nazgul attacked. Aragorn and Jaydie were discussing things when they heard Frodo yell. Aragorn grabbed a torch with one hand and his sword in the other. Jaydie was using her claws and scratching at them. They quickly drove them off after Jaydie threw one off a cliff.

"Bookity bookity bookity boys lets go flying!" Jaydie called after it. Frodo was in great agony. "ya know I could fly him to rivendell."

"I suppose it's the only option, after we get some kings foil." Aragorn said. And he went off.

After Aragorn picked some kings foil he felt a cold blade against his skin "What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?" Arwen asked.

"Jeez! Aragorn's off his guard?! Next aliens will come!" Jaydie says from above. "Hey Arwen." Arwen smiled.

"You're supposed to be guarding Frodo." Aragorn said.

"Yeah but I sensed Arwen." Jaydie answered.

They came back to the camp. "He's fading, he's not going to last." Arwen spoke.

'I thought he was getting better…" Jaydie gloomily thought.

They began to speak in Elvish "What're they saying?" Pippin asked.

"Jibberish." Jaydie answered. "I'll teach you how to read books first, then I'll teach you if want." Arwen rode off. "I wanted to fly…"

And in the end they got there a day after frodo.

_END!!_

_Well this is only the first chapter, and we didn't do much parody stuff in here but there's more to come so don't worry! Reviews and constructive criticism are accepted, and depending on future events like if the fucking phone lines at my house are fixed or if I have some time at school then maybe the second chapter will be posted…sorry that this chapter is soo short...don't eat me..._


	2. the meeting in rivendell

_ this is chapter 2! Thanks for reviewing! Well here it is…_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the rings_

Legolas and some other elves were summoned to the throne room in the halls of the underground palace in Mirkwood. "Legolas my son, Lord Elrond wishes to have a council, since I can't make it I want you to represent me along with some loyal friends as an escort." Thranduil spoke. Legolas nodded "You leave in 3 days."

Legolas nodded and left to the training grounds where an elf was hacking away at a dummy with dual swords. "Jordi, we're to go to Rivendell."

"Sweet! A journey!" She turned around. She had very long black hair and murky green eyes. She was a couple inches shorter than Legolas and was dressed in the same attire.

Soon Legolas, Jordi and a few others were in Rivendell. They were sitting in a room, Jordi was anxious to get outside as she had never been to Rivendell before. After they toured Rivendell for the day it was finally the meeting. Jordi was bored for there were many long speeches that she could really care less about, there was only 2 other women there Arwen the elven princess and another one who looked just as bored as she did. Finally Legolas gave the report that Gollum had indeed escaped, then things got interesting. Frodo had put the ring on the pedestal and Jordi could hear a voice inside her head she told it to screw off and it left. They were now discussing plans on how to destroy the ring and Jaydie spotted someone familiar in the crowd "Not him not him not him!"

"Not who?" Aragorn whispered. Jaydie pointed a shaking hand in Boromir's direction. "Oh…just try to get along." Boromir looks in her direction and she makes a face, Boromir looks away, and stands up and talks. Jaydie is making faces and obscene gestures behind his back. Jordi is barely holding in laughter, Boromir sits back down and completely misses the chair. Jaydie is making the mental sign. He's breathing like a woman in labour trying not to hit her.

"The one ring responds to Sauron alone, it has no other master." Aragorn says ignoring Jaydie.

"And what would a ranger know of this matter?" Boromir asks.

"This is no mere ranger, he is Aragorn son of Arathorn, you owe him your allegiance." Legolas stands.

Jordi follows suit "and his friend is hilarious!"

"Sit down…" Legolas pushes her back down.

Boromir's pissed. "Aragorn this is isildur's heir? Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"And heir to the throne of gondor." Legolas adds. "and I suppose that's your pet?" Jaydie hisses.

"Oh you're gonna get it now…" Aragorn mumbles.

"Yeah well at least I wasn't a retard in 3rd grade." Jaydie pauses to impersonate a mental person "what's 1+1? Oh yeah it's half!"

Jordi starts laughing though it was silent. "Ok Jordi stay with me." Legolas says.

. Gimli then had the bright brainwave to try and cut the ring with his axe. "It can not be destroyed Gimli son of Groin by any craft that we here possess."

"Ahem ada, you got his name wrong again…" Arwen muttered.

Elrond looked confused "Oh begging your pardon master Groin I mean Gloin!"

Arwen sighs "You're embarrassing me in front of Aragorn…"

Gimli meanwhile is on the ground forgotten breathing heavily. "OMG HE'S GOING INTO LABOUR!!" both girls cried out. The option about taking it to mordor was agreed and now they were trying to decide on who would take it.

"Ok so let me get this straight, we're to take this to Mordor and then throw it into a volcano boda bing boda boom we're done?" Jaydie asks. Elrond nods. Boromir speaks again.

Legolas stands up "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The ring must be destroyed-"

Jordi coughs "He's deaf!"

Gimli speaks up "And I suppose you think you're the one to do it!"

"And if we fail what then? What happens if Sauron takes back what is his?" Boromir adds.

"I'd rather be dead then see the ring in the hands of an elf!" Gimli cried.

"That can be arranged." Jordi says. Then a fight breaks out.

Frodo stands up and almost gets ran over by some rampaging elves. "I will take it!"

"I will help you bear this burden Frodo Baggins, as long as it's yours to bear." Gandalf says.

Aragorn walks up "If by life or death I will protect you, I will you have my sword."

"You have my bow." Legolas says.

"And my wings." Jaydie adds.

"And my axe." Gimli says.

"Ass?" Jordi asks.

"AXE!!" Gimli roared.

"Don't yell at her!" Legolas says and another fight breaks out.

'Now's my chance…' Jaydie pokes Boromir in the back "He did it." She points at Gandalf.

After things calmed down Boromir and the hobbits joined in. "Well there needs to be more women, you have my woman's intuition along with my dual swords…and slingshot…and bow…HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE GETS THE GOOD LINES!!"

'NO NOT PIP!' Jaydie thought.

In about 2 weeks they were off. On the big dramatic scene where they go up on the hill and down Gandalf trips over his robes and falls down the length of the hill "I'M OK!!" everyone tries not to laugh for they know gandalf can enchant them so toads could come out of their ass. They made camp a few hours later. Jaydie and Aragorn watched Merry and Pippin practise their sword fighting with Boromir. Legolas and Jordi wee watching the skies.

"Crebain from dunland!" Legolas shouted. They went and hid and when they got out…

"Why of all places did you shove me in a rose bush?" Merry asked.

"You stole my weed…" Pippin retorted. And thus they made it to Caladras. It was starting to snow hard and they halted.

Gandalf pulled out a flask of Miruvor. "Drink only a mouthful, and I'll know if anyone drinks more than this and they will pay.." and all plans of getting wasted were thrown out the window. They sat under a rock roof.

"Gandalf, maybe we should turn back." Merry said.

"No!" Gandalf says.

"NO!" Jaydie pretends to be him all hunched over. "I refuse to be wrong again." She walks away "young whipper snappers think they can take advantage of me!"

Aragorn asks her "Can't you go for more than 2 minutes without making fun of someone?"

"……………………..no." Jaydie answered. They began to discuss what to do. Legolas and Jordi offered to scout but they decided just Legolas, while he was gone…

"Gandalf, can't you just make it sunny?" Jordi asks.

"No, we will let the ring bearer decide." Gandalf says.

"Alright Frodo, we could either go over the mountain and have an 80 chance of dying or go to Moria and survive." Jordi says. Boromir and Legolas who just returned gave her a smack to the head.

And thus they went on their way to Moria.

_END!!_

_This ends chapter 2!! Don't forget to review!! And yah… check out my other stories!! Well buhbye for now!_

_Sakura Sama 101_


	3. Moria

_Thanks again for all the reviews!! And yeah here is the 3rd chapter! Sorry if it's not funny, I haven't read this thoroughly yet. Baileigh, I might add chapter 4 to this one if I think its too short kay? _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings! _

Our company was now at the gate and were trying to find out the password.

"Let me in you idiot." Jordi says to the gate.

"Bravo." Gimli says sarcastically while clapping.

Sam meanwhile was saying goodbye to Bill the pony. "Buhbye Bill."

"Bye bye horsie." Jaydie said. Sam let go of the reins and Bill began to make his way around the rock

"SHIT THAT HORSE HAS MY PACK!!" Legolas cried and ran after the said beast of burden. Warg howls came and there were punching noises coming from around the corner and Legolas screaming colourful words and all sorts of interesting things. After 5 minutes Legolas came back, his clothes were torn and he was holding his pack. "I have some bad news, Bill got eaten by some rabid wargs, the good news, I saved lots on my wagon insurance by switching to geico."

Sam started to cry, "Bill's dead?"

Legolas answered, "I'm not too sure…he might be missing a leg though."

"Mellon." Gandalf stated getting the password.

"Mmmm…melons…" Pippin says. Then the evil Kraken shot out of the lake. It grabs Frodo and they do all they can to rescue him. Legolas and Jordi start shooting arrows while Aragorn and Boromir start hucking tentacles off.

"Into the mines!" Gandalf yells. They then were caved in. and then made their way through the darkness. Gandalf then got lost.

'He's a goddamn wizard! How can a wizard get lost?!' Jordi thought to herself. It was silent except for Merry and Pippin muttering.

"I wish the ring had never come to me…of all people it had to be Bilbo…and he didn't even give me his stash! Or tell me why the rum's gone when we were in Rivendell!"

"So do all who live to see such times…plus Bilbo wasn't the brightest of hobbits. He lost the rum to the old gaffer years ago, and the hobbit who's always angsty stole the stash, the one who always scowls at foreigners. But we all have to decide what to do with what is given to us. And if that doesn't brighten your thought I have some weed…"

Jaydie ignored Gandalf's talk and added "And besides Frodo, if anyone charges at you, you can just run in between their legs. That's the beauty of being a short midget."

Boromir sees Gollum "Hey Jaydie another crazy little bad guy fell down the hallway."

"Shut it."

"Lets ask him for directions." Sam said while eating a gigantic tub of ice cream.

"Jaydie, stop flirting and Boromir quit fighting." Aragorn said. They were walking and found the tomb.

"Died of a drug overdose." Merry read the writing on the grave. Pippin was completely stoned when the others were reading in the book of records, and he was curious if he could get an echo from dropping a bucket down the well and he gave into his stoned desires.

"You wasted a perfectly good bucket." Gimli said. "And sam pass over some of that comfort food."

"Fool of a took, throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity." Gandalf said.

"And to go fetch that bucket." Jordi said. Orcs then suddenly came in and a fight started.

Boromir stuck his head out the door and arrows came close to hitting him in the head. "NO!! WHY DID YOU MOVE BOROMIR!?" Jaydie called. "You were so close to dying!" They prepared for battle. "Look Boromir, your cousins." Jaydie sliced an orc's throat.

The troll came in and thing started to get a little messy, like the troll trying to smash sam, Jordi shot at it to divert its attention away from Sam as he got away and began smacking trolls with his frying pan.

"Their heads make music!" and thus he played the rhythm for jingle bells.

"You look like an angry housewife when you do that, and I'm definitely not eating what you're cooking with that pan again." Aragorn commented.

The cave troll whacked Frodo around like a baseball and with a grand slam it sent frodo to the other side of the room then stabbed him. "OMG!! IT KILLED FRODO!!" Merry and Pippin yelled.

"YOU BASTARD!!" Legolas, Boromir and Aragorn screamed. Merry and Pippin continued to stab at the troll until Legolas finished him off.

"Show off." Jordi muttered.

"Your life has been officially saved by me…Pippin." Pippin says to Jaydie.

"I still don't like you." Jaydie answered. "I'm not forgiving you for the egg laying crack."

"It's alive!!" Gandalf cried as Frodo got back up. They left for the bridge. A low grumbling sound came.

"Who farted?" Frodo asked. The balrog thus makes his appearance, they ran to a staircase and everyone started to get across the large crack.

"Not the beard!" Gimli yelled. Legolas accidentally pulls off half the moustache. Then Frodo and Aragorn. They then started to run across the bridge. Gandalf and the Balrog fought until…

"You shall not pass! Get off my bridge!" The balrog fell and took gandalf with him. They ran out and thus the grieving process began…but unfortunately Sam and Gimli ate all the ice cream…so they settled for bawling their eyes out and then they went back on their way toward the beautiful Lothlorien.

_Sorry that its sooo short…don't eat me…I added as much humour as I could and tried to do what I could so yes don't forget to review please and thankya! _


	4. Lothlorien and Amon Hen

_Thankyou for the reviews! They made my day, so yes on with this chapter…unfortunately I lost the first page but that's alright because I'm the queen of improvising. _

_Someone requested that I do a bio on my Ocs so here goes. And I'll also underline one of their names so that it'll be easier to tell who's who. _

_Jordi: Is an elf from Mirkwood, she's I dunno…say 900 in human years but probably only 17 in elvish? She's not royal like Legolas, more or less a servant's daughter. I already gave her appearance, (read chapter 2) and her personality is that she can be sarcastic, quick-tempered but more subdued in teasing then Jaydie, and she acts like all elves do (loves nature, likes the arts singing yada yada). She's also kind to those she trusts. _

_Jaydie: is a harpie that Aragorn met on his travels, she's 14. (her appearance is in chapter 1) and if you've read this far then you have a great idea of what her personality is like. Pretty much like one of those delinquent kids that everyone has at least one of in their school. But is nice to those who gains her trust (which takes a pretty long time)_

_I hoped this helped Sareos, and to everyone else. I'll also be underlining Jordi's name, just so it's easier for everyone. (And if you're gonna flame me, then don't for this, I can't please everyone.) _

_Disclaimer: I don't own lord of the rings. _

The company made their way through the woods as they made their way to Lothlorien. And boy did they see some strange sights.

"Dude…that house is made from gingerbread…." Jaydie commented pointing at the said house.

"Where the hell are we? I thought this was supposed to be Lothlorien." Gimli points out.

"Hey Shrek!!" Jordi waved at the ogre.

"Gimme the map!" Boromir yanked the map from Aragorn "Well jeez! We're in Sherwood forest! We aren't anywhere near Lothlorien!"

"Isn't Sherwood supposed to be in Robin Hood?" Merry asked.

"No clue man, no clue." Pippin sighed in a stoner voice.

"The 60s weren't kind to you were they?" Merry says in a sympathetic voice.

"I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A LEFT AT ALBEKIRKIE!!" Aragorn cried out. And thus they back-tracked for a day or so until they came to some scary looking woods. And so they entered to find that it was actually sunny in there.

Legolas and Jordi were in front. "To your left you will see the Nimrodel River, it was named after an elf maiden who had a lover, who stalked her and some other weird stuff." Legolas became the tour guide, he sang a song about the Nimrodel "And now I will cannonball into the river, for I have done nothing interesting this whole chapter. You know what? We should skinny dip."

"I don't skinny dip I chunky dunk…or wait that's gimli never mind." Jordi answered. "Oh and across the Nimrodel where there's a bunch of trees is where we're gonna make camp tonight." They crossed the river 'I wonder what old lady Galadriel is doing today?'

"I always wanted to be a monkey, we should sleep in the trees tonight." Frodo commented. Legolas began to climb a tree to see if it was safe.

A voice called out "Down bitch!" from the top of the tree.

"Dude…Joe?" Legolas called out. And with lack of the elvish grace Joe fell out of the tree.

"I am so stoned!" he smiled. "Eh? Legolas? Jordi? This is so awesome! Come smoke some bud with me and lets catch up!"

"You two are stoners?!" Jaydie cried.

"No, they aren't, some of the friends they have are." Aragorn said. "Now Joe, you better let us in your tree house or else we will make you pay."

"Fine fine, but you better not trash it." Joe said. And they stayed in the treehouse. In the middle of the night someone let out a big fart from the tree house next to them "God damnit sid!"

"Extra cheese!" Sid called. Nothing much happened that night. In the morning however…

"Dude, ok it's the rules of our people that foreigners wear blindfolds, especially that big and short fat and ugly midget…" Joe informed.

"Gimli." Sam corrected.

"Yeah, put on those blindfolds, and on the way you have to hit as many of those piñatas as you can…"

"Dude you're f-ing stoned! There's no piñatas." Jaydie said.

"Just go with it, he has a thing for blindfolds and Mexicans." Jordi sighed. So they did and he led them around for a bit on the right track and eventually they made their way to lothlorien.

"All they ever talk about is the Lady…isn't there supposed to be a man too?" Merry asked.

"Hey if she's a widow and we make ourselves presentable then we can sooo be spoilt rotten." Pippin said.

"Dude did you steal some of Joe's stash?"

"Maybe."

"Klepto…"

And so they climbed up the giant treehouse and visited the Lord and Lady, though in the movie the guy's just a wallflower and is supposed to look pretty, it's Galadriel's turn so I'm going to ignore her as much as possible!

"What brings you to the beautiful city of Lothlorien?" Celeborn (yes I know his name) asked.

"Hmm well it all starts when Frodo found this ring and Gandalf comes and we all know how much of a stoner he is and he starts spouting out nonsense that this is the ring of power and thus he goes to rivendell and we came cause we heard that Elrond got a whole shipment of wine and we sylvan elves being the bums we are came to go bum some off him and since we forgot to pay him for the last time he asks us to come on this quest and die!" Jordi says.

"So why did you come?"

"The perk package."

"No that isn't how it went, maybe you bumming the wine off elrond but not…actually it's pretty much what happened, except Gandalf was sober and we really have the ring of power."

"Go power!" Galadriel said.

"Shut up." Celeborn says.

"Ok."

"Sorry about her, she's been taking prozac and she hasn't been the same since." Celeborn says. "Well since we don't want you here, you can take our boats and have some capes and broaches and whatever floats your boat."

And thus they were down on the great river rowing in their boats.

"row row row your boat gently down the stream! Merrily Merrily Merrily Merrily life is but a dream!" they sang "Row row row your boat roughly down the stream! Pitch Merry over board and listen to him scream!"

"Roll roll roll a joint tightly at the edge, light it up and take a puff and pass it to your friends!" Joe said.

"Jesus Christ go home!" Legolas yelled. and thus Joe left and will probably not be mentioned again….(cries)

They made camp at Amon hen after travelling by boat for a week. They then decided that they were going through Emin Muil."

"Did you find firewood?" Sam asks.

"I don't know." Jaydie answered holding the firewood. Boromir slinked away and another fight breaks out (we don't ever know why..this is just one of those random events.) Jaydie was looking for Boromir after the fight was over, she scanned the ground while flying in the trees and heard Boromir's horn but she was too late for Aragorn was weeping over his dead body.

Tears began flowing down her face "I lost the man I ever loved." She paused "Shit was that out loud?" she curiously asked.

Legolas Jordi and Gimli fought as a 3-man team slaying many orcs. Jordi snipped them while the other two were in front. Merry and Pippin were long gone and sam had left with frodo. Jaydie, Jordi, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli discussed what to do…Jordi and Jaydie went off and did a blood sister ceremony cause they were bored and were checking the bandages around their wrists. After they sent Boromir's body off…

Jaydie where's Frodo?" Aragorn asked. She shrugged. "Then go find him! Go! Go!" Jaydie scowled.

"Fine." She then flew away.

"We go after Merry and Pippin." Aragorn commanded.

Jaydie decided to tail them and saw them leave. She followed them.

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Jordi ran in the bushes. "Lets hope we make it…" Jordi sighed.

"We will." Legolas said.

_END!!_

_Yes this ends chapter four and the fellowship of the ring part and now for the beginning of the two towers! Yah! Don't forget to review!! and I hope this was crazy enough for you Saeros. _


	5. Rohan and Emin Muil

_Well thanks for reviewing! And sorry about my editing…my spell check on the computer is horrible…and I'm trying my best to fix that problem but I have to make due with what I have so try to ignore me not putting capitals on people's names and not crossing my Ts or dotting my I s. (I'm not being sarcastic or anything so don't take offence to that.) Hope you like the chapter! _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto _

Jaydie had been tailing Frodo and Sam now for about 4 days. They were all lost, even Jaydie didn't see a good path. They were eating lembas and her stomach gurgled. 'Fat bastards.' She eats a butterfly that had the misfortune to pass her.

"We're lost!" Frodo cries.

"What's that horrid stink!? I reckon that there's a nasty bog nearby." Sam says.

"Sorry, that was me." Frodo answered.

"Man you gotta warn me when you crack one off like that, my mouth was open and everything!" Sam goes ahead of Frodo.

At night Jaydie slept in a tree and caught sight of Gollum "OMG Boromir's back from the dead!" She continued to watch it go down talking very loud. She tackles him just as he was gonna attack Frodo "If you're gonna sneak up on someone don't talk." She threw him off her and he went for Frodo. She and Sam dragged him off and continued to fight. Gollum bit Sam and Frodo got him on knife point. Thus they took him as a prisoner.

Gollum was screaming and yelling the next day as they were dragging him along "What are you screaming about?!" Jaydie asked agitated. She was the one leading him around since Frodo and Sam were walking a little ways away looking at eachother googly eyed.

"It burns!!" Gollum yelled.

"See he's a vampire Frodo. Lets kill him." Jaydie said.

"You're just looking for excuses to kill him." Frodo says.

"Yeah your point?"

"I don't believe him! If we let him go then he'll throttle us in our sleep." Sam says.

"I agree with Sam…" Jaydie says 'Or fatty.'

They were soon on their way.

* * *

Legolas, Gimli, Jordi, and Aragorn were on their way, cutting through the plains. They ran non-stop only taking very short breaks.

"Their pace has quickened." Aragorn informed. They were running again.

"Come on Jordi and Gimli!" Legolas called.

Both were panting… "Three days and nights, no rest…" Gimli said. They ran until they found Pippin's broach. Legolas and Aragorn talked and Gimli came tumbling down the hill. Jordi ran really fast past them.

"I'll kill her…" Gimli mumbled "and I thought the harpie was bad…"

Aragorn sniffs 'Damn this cold…" He missed Jaydie.

Legolas shouted "Come Gimli! We're gaining on them!" He came up to Jordi who was still running "Did you trip him?"

"Yes." She answered. Legolas cracked a grin. And they continued running.

"Keep breathing! That's the key! Ooh!" Gimli panted.

"Breathe and push!" Jordi answered.

"Rohan." Aragorn sighed.

Legolas and Jordi searched the area and brought the news that orcs were taking them to Isenguard. The continued on and they could hear hooves pounding and Legolas and Jordi could see horsemen in the distance. They hid under their cloaks and came out when the majority passed.

"Riders of Rohan! What news do you have? And have you seen the last episode of the trailer park boys?!" Aragorn called. They were in a circle fenced in by spears.

"Personal space issues!" Jordi muttered. Gimli got into a fight with Eomer about the last trailer park boys episode, which resulted in Eomer almost getting shot in the head with an arrow and Jordi falling asleep on the ground because it was taking too long. Eomer gave them the lowdown about what happened so far. "Harsh." Eomer was giving the 2 elves glares.

'Racist.' They both thought.

Legolas thought 'I like eggs.'

Eomer told them where the carcases were and got horses. They then rode to the flaming carcass pile.

'I like pie.' Jordi thought.

Aragorn hears Jaydie's voice **'I know you can read my thoughts and I wish you never sent me here!'**

Aragorn thought back **'I know you can hear my thoughts Jaydie, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow' **

'**Very funny.' **Jaydie grumbled.

Gimli pulls out a sheath. Legolas says a prayer and Aragorn yells and kicks a helmet.

"What happened to your anger management classes?" Jordi asked.

"THEY PISS ME OFF!!" Aragorn yelled.

"Well if it makes anyone feel better I think they're still alive…"

Aragorn does find the tracks and evidence that they're alive and in Fangorn forest. They followed Aragorn.

"I don't want to go in there." Gimli says.

"Sam-sam lives in there." Jordi says.

"Or used to." Legolas answered. "He has relatives there."

(sam-sam will be explained at the end of the chapter)

* * *

Merry and Pippin were in the forest, being attacked by sam-sam's ugly sister Samantha! Pippin was up in a tree.

"Merry!" Pippin yells.

'Who's finger's up my nose?! I can't breathe…' Treebeard thought. He woke up and Pip let go but accidentally grabs Treebeard's beard. "NOT MY BEARD!!" And thus in wild pain he steps on Samantha.

"Look Merry! It's a talking tree! Am I high?"

"No shit. That's some powerful Longbottom leaf."

* * *

"We're closer." Jaydie says. They were in Emin Muil (sp?) Stepping through bays except for Jaydie who hovered. They saw heads in the water.

"Oh my lard! The fish are more lardy then me!" Sam starts to eat a giant hamburger and pulls out some fries from out of his lard. (His lard keeps them warm.)

"Stupid fat hobbit, I will kill him and find his french fries!" Gollum mutters.

"Sam you should really lose weight…it's hard to…you know with you crushing me…" Frodo says then looks in the water "Whoa! Is that a fish or is it 2 sams put together!?" Sam cries harder and eats more.

"They're heads." Jaydie says a little creeped out. Gollum's loincloth fell down. "I'M BLIND!!"

"Oh shit…" Gollum muttered. "My penis…everyone saw how small it is…"

Frodo says, "I wanna go swimming!" and he jumps in.

"Stupid hobbits!" Jaydie says and searches for him and grabs him out and Gollum drags him out to better ground.

At night…

"I love you ring…" Frodo says. Frodo looks over to see Gollum holding a marijuana leaf.

"My precious! You bring me happiness…"

"What did you say?" Frodo asks.

"Wanna chase the dragon with me?" Gollum holds up the joint.

"No thank you Smeagol."

"What did you call me?"

"Your name is Smeagol."

"Oh, I thought you called me a shit head."

A Ring wraith flies overhead. Jaydie get up in a tree. The wind blows the Ring wraith's hood off and he's bald.

"Mr. Clean!" Sam yells.

"Uncle Fester!" Frodo yells.

"Charlie brown!" Jaydie adds.

"Snoopy!" Gollum finishes and the three give him looks.

"We're naming people that are bald." Frodo informed.

"Oh! Um! Old guy! Yes precious old guy!" Gollum says.

"I HATE EVERYBODY!!" the Ring wraith flies off and Jaydie snaps a pic.

_END!! _

_Well I hope that everyone enjoyed the chapter! And that it had lots of madness and was hopefully edited better_

_Alright, Sam Sam is a crazy old man who lives in Mirkwood. He's paranoid that people will go on his yard, even if you're across the street and he will yell at you "GET OFF MY YARD YOU CRAZY KIDS!" and if you say "We aren't kids anymore!" he'll yell "THEN GET OFF MY YARD YOU CRAZY OLD FARTS!" he is also the delivery guy, and he says "I will give you a free pizza for ten dollars." So yes… Baileigh invented the character…and his life's vocation is to hunt down Jordi Legolas and Aragorn for bugging him when he was younger…_

_Sorry Baileigh if I didn't give the best description…you know him better then I do…_

_REVIEW!!!!_


	6. In your ass jk jk Edoras

_Thankyou so much for the reviews!! Well here's the next chapter! _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. _

In the forest Gimli wipes off some stuff from a leaf and put it in his mouth "Orc blood."

"Good move Gimli…" Jordi muttered. They travelled through the forest "god it's stuffy…"

"This forest is so old it makes me feel young again." Legolas comments.

"If we bugged sam-sam again it'd make me feel younger…" Jordi added.

'Ooh look at the star…' Aragorn thought to himself looking up.

Legolas spots something and it is the white wizard… "Sam-Sam approaches." They draw their weapons and get ready, then they all attack at once.

"The light!" they shielded their eyes.

"Who are you?! Show yourself!" Aragorn yells.

"Oh! It's Gandalf! Dude I don't know what we've been smoking to think you were monkey man!" Jordi says hugging the old man (Saru means monkey in Japanese so that's where my nickname for him comes from Saru man)

"It can't be." Gimli says.

"I can't breathe…" Gandalf says and Jordi lets go and Gandalf tells his story.

"So you're in Saruman's place now?" Legolas asks.

"Maybe."

"What?"

"Well first we gotta kill Saruman. And go to Rohan." Gandalf then took them out of the forest.

Gandalf starts to sing "Do you wanna be my lover" by spice girls and Shadowfax comes.

"I expected a unicorn, but you're not that gay are you Gandalf?" Legolas asks. Gandalf ignores him. And off they went to Edoras.

'I like pie…' Aragorn thinks

'I want beer.' Gimli thinks.

* * *

Jaydie, the two hobbits and Gollum are at the gate of Mordor. Soldiers were approaching the gate. An orc has horn strapped to his but and he farts into it. Gollum is rocking back and forth

"It stinks! It stinks!" Gollum moaned. Frodo and Sam tripped and fell. Sam got stuck in the ground he was so fat. The two guards that heard the rocks were blind and Frodo and sam were making gestures and though the others couldn't see clearly, they were making out as well. Jaydie shakes her head and then they were off on another path.

"Can't we cook him?" Jaydie asks.

"No." Frodo answers.

* * *

The 5 were on their way to Edoras.

"In-your-ass?" Jordi asks.

"Ed-or-ass!!" Gandalf corrected.

"Oh..hehe…ass."

They went in the gates and a flag landed on Legolas "I'M BLIND!!" Gimli pulled it off.

People glared at them "you'll find more cheer in a graveyard." Gimli commented.

"Skeletons wave." Jordi says waving to people.

"Smile and wave and don't make eye contact." Aragorn says.

"Drop your weapons here." A guard said. The others got their weapons out no problem but Jordi on the other hand began to empty her pockets, she took off her duel swords, a dagger, her bow, her arrows, her slingshot, boomerang

one hour later….

A whip, some kunai (ninja knives) Shuriken (throwing stars) wires, a couple of cherry bombs, and a grenade were pulled out of Jordi's jacket pockets and they were finally in the palace. Gandalf gave the guy a bill and he got to keep his staff. He used it to whack the crap out of wormtongue then a big fight broke out (it seems like there's lots of those…:p)

"Look out behind-" Gimli spoke to Legolas

And Legolas punched the guy behind him with a hay-maker (I think that's what it's called)

"You…whoa! Gandalf do an exorcism!" Jordi blurts out pointing at Theoden.

Gimli sits on wormtongue "Squishy."

"He looks like Sam-Sam." Legolas says. Gandalf performs the exorcism.

"I'm free!" Theoden cries and grabs a sword, then it takes him down with it as it was very heavy. "Chiropractor! Chiropractor!" he's bent over in a weird angle.

Jordi is killing herself laughing. Theoden glares at wormtongue then throws him down the stairs "WHY DID YOU PUT A HEART ON MY SWORD!! GO BACK TO SARUMAN!! HE LOVES HEARTS!!"

And thus wormtongue left.

_END!!_

_Did you notice that in the way Theoden's sword is made that there's a big heart in the middle? So that's where that comes from….Baileigh…don't' kill me…I thought I had this posted…that's what happens when it's Friday as you could clearly tell with me today…. wow I was such a ditz today it wasn't even funny…I even had trouble with math…I couldn't even add straight… well please review and thanks to those who have been! _

_Sakura Sama 101_


	7. Helms Deep

_Well here's chapter 7 of this parody…I think we're half way done now…(sniffs) speaking of parodies, me Baileigh and Bree are filming a never ending story parody…but someday I'll find out how to put it on youtube…but until then enjoy this chapter…_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the rings. _

Later Jordi and Gimli were drinking. Legolas stood there along with Aragorn. They then got ale too, and discussed plans on how to beat Saruman.

"Gimli you missed your mouth completely." Jordi commented.

They decided to go to helms deep. Gandalf went to go find Eomer. And now they were out on the plains.

* * *

"Hey retard! You need a bathing suit!" Jaydie calls to Gollum who was swimming in a nearby river. Frodo told her off, but Sam agreed with Jaydie. Frodo and Sam had a lover's tiff and Frodo left.

"Do you know what he sounds like?" Sam asks Jaydie.

"Yeah he sounds like Aragorn on chilli night." Jaydie answered. Later that night Jaydie watches Gollum talking to himself. 'Well being alone for all those years would do that to you…' Later…"He's starting to scare me…"

She had some popcorn watching Sam and Gollum fight "Frodo! Dinner" Sam called. They came and then Faramir invited them to a cave for tea.

* * *

"It's become popular belief that there are no dwarf women and that they spring out of holes in the ground!" Gimli tells Eowyn.

"Do you pop out of holes in the ground?" Jordi asked. Gimli fell off his horse and Jordi fell of as she was laughing.

The next morning…

Legolas and Jordi were scouting…

"I smell dog…" Legolas commented. Screams pierced the air. Legolas shot the warg and Jordi killed the rider. The alert was up and they got ready. The 2 elves watched them come and they started shooting at them then Legolas does his sweet flip thingy and lands in front of Gimli

"Show off!!" Jordi called. And thus the battle began. Gimli falls off and Jordi kills the warg coming at him. Gimli is then pilled under the wargs and Aragorn pauses to laugh.

'That orc looks like Cher…' Aragorn thought.

The battle finished and Aragorn was missing. An orc laughed and choked. And it informed them that Aragorn was dead and the Orc died.

"The evening star." Legolas sighed taking it.

"What'll we tell Jaydie?" Gimli asked. The three stood at the cliff, then went on their merry way to helms deep. The word that Aragorn had passed spread quickly, they made battle plans. Aragorn woke up in the river.

'WTF!! That is the last time I take some afghani goo from Joe!' Aragorn thought as he began to doggy paddle to shore. Arwen floated next to him. "I don't have time to make out with you! I'm trying to swim back to shore and I need all the oxygen I can get!!"

"Fine you asshole!" And Arwen disappeared. He finally got back to shore and began to rest, when his horse came it fell over on him.

"Gerrof meee!" Aragorn yelled. and the horse got up and he rode to helms deep.

* * *

They had tea and discussed many things.

"Who are you?" Faramir asked.

"Hobbits and…Harpie." Frodo says.

The topic of Boromir came up.

"It grieves me to tell you that Boromir is dead." Faramir said.

"Dead?!"

"Don't remind me." Jaydie sighed. Then in the middle of the night they found Gollum who went to take a poo and got left behind. "Hey its retard!"

"To jump in the pool is the penalty of death." Faramir answered.

"You're the best! Go for it! Shoot his effing head off!" Jaydie shouted, "Shoot him…please?"

"No! He's our guide!" Frodo yelled.

'I used to think you blew but now you suck.' Jaydie thought to herself as they went back to the cave.

Gollum was moaning in the cave and was mentioning his precious

"what did they steal from you?" Faramir asked

"MY….MANHOOD!" Gollum yelled.

"We're going to ogsciliath for oreos!" Faramir informed.

"Are you coming?" Jaydie asks. He nods "Is it coming? I don't want it to." Jaydie points to gollum.

* * *

"I'm gonna kill him!" Gimli yelled seeing Aragorn.

"You look terrible Aragorn." Legolas says.

"Yeah like you went through a blender." Jordi adds as she gives him the evenstar. Aragorn chuckles.

"The king's that way." Legolas says. Both smile.

Aragorn gives the king the bad news, and they're preparing the armies and laying out the plans. They were in the armoury.

Legolas and Aragorn had a row. "Jordi, I don't want you to fight."

"But I want to be by your side in battle. Plus if you lock me up I'll get out." Jordi said gesturing to the chains hanging on the wall.

"Fine but you aren't to leave the archer's parapet."

Jordi had her fingers crossed behind her back "Fine, hurry and apologise to Aragorn.." She dragged him to Aragorn. "That's a nifty dress Gimli." Jordi comments on his armour.

"Shut up."

They then met Elves from Lothlorien and then went up to a parapet. They began to do battle. An elf committed Hari-Kari and hit his nuts on a bar. Legolas and Jordi did tag teams. Gimli was killing them as they climbed up. An orc with a torch ran up.

"Hey it's the Olympics." Jordi said as she shot at him. Gimli jumps down and kills a lot of orcs by landing on them. Legolas decides to use a shield as a skateboard and Jordan jumps down and runs after him. "Show off." She grabs a shield and bashed an orc's head with it.

* * *

The ents decided to go to Isenguard.

* * *

Everyone was starting to get tired and the king started to call everyone back to the keep. Aragorn decides to kill and called Gimli to distract orcs with him.

"We can take them!" Gimli says full of confidence.

"It's a long way." Aragorn answers.

"Toss me." Gimli says.

"What?"

"I cannot jump the distance so throw my lardy ass over to the bridge!!" Aragorn nods. "Hey hey! Don't tell the elves."

"Not a word." And he tosses Gimli and they both fight. Jordi shoots a notch keeping the ladder to the keep and it kills a lot of orcs as it falls down. Jordi and Legolas pull Aragorn and Gimli up.

The battle had gone ill and most of the others were trying to barricade the door, they decided to get on their horses and when the orcs break though they would ride out to meet them. Gimli blew a piercing note though the horn of hammerhand and they rode out and began to slice the orcs. Gandalf's horse could be heard, he was followed by Eomer and they helped kill the remaining orcs. They broke though and no orc was spared.

"Die bastards!" Legolas shouted.

_END!!_

_Well this ends the seventh chapter! Wow I'm a little tired…my eyes are starting to bug out, well you guys know what to do! Review please?! _


	8. just a messed up chapter

_Well here is the next chapter and thankyou for all the reviews. Baileigh…I never thought I'd make it to the "Chapter.."_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings…or Legolas…_

Frodo walked out to meet the ringwraith, Sam and Jaydie pulled him away, and Frodo had Sam on knife point then realized what he was doing.

Jaydie looks to Gollum, "You're still here?"

Faramir releases them, and they're off in the wilderness. Sam was talking about stories and Gollum was having a schist moment, mostly trying to plot revenge against Sam and Jaydie.

"Gollum!" Sam called.

"Retard!" Jaydie added.

He then gets the brainwave about Shelob. "Follow me if you want to die…I mean live."

* * *

Many days later…in the beginning of the Return of the king they were in a cave 'where's bony?' Jaydie asked herself.

Gollum appears "Wake up sleepies!"

"I don't wanna." Jaydie answers. They got up and had lembas, they then resumed their journey.

* * *

The people made their way to Isenguard and Merry and Pippin laugh as they see their friends and taunted them by eating food and smoking.

"You rascals!" Gimli yells. The other 3 smile.

"Young master Gandalf." Treebeard began to say.

"Young? What are you smoking?" Jordi curiously asked. They go to see Saruman, nothing happened except Saruman in a drunken rage jumped off Orthanc and killed himself.

It's silent "Damn!" Legolas says black man style then Aragorn's horse farts. Pippin finds the Palantir and they are back on their way. Legolas and Gimli had a drinking contest, Jordi didn't want liquor and soon Gimli passed out and Legolas was plastered and walking around. He leans on Jordi who's back was to him.

"No more mead for you. You must've had about 15 cups."

"Six…teen…and…a…half." Legolas says putting his full weight on her.

"Alright, time to sober you up." She went with him to the washroom and gave him some elvish medicine.

* * *

Durning the night Smeagol was blocked from all the cheese he ate since he didn't like Lembas. He also was plotting about how to get the ring.

"It's ours!" Farts "ours!" farts. "My precious!" They were going over their plans "When we dig through the empty clothes we will find it…"

"And take it for me!" He farts and you can hear things dropping.

"Oh lord." Bad Gollum says. Then gollum got the shit kicked out olf him because he stunk up the camp.

* * *

Over the night Pippin was stealing from Gandalf and Pippin was taken to Gandalf.

"Why did you look into the Palantir?"

"Merry said he'd give me 5 dollars." Pippin answered.

"What did you see?" Gandalf asked.

"It…It was horrible….it was white…tiled….water was running….and a very gay sounding voice kinda like that cujo guy on one of those ET Daily shows or I think it was access Hollywood. He was singing in the shower…I wanted to know where that horrible noise was coming from and so I went to check it out….I..I saw him! He had his eye for a head and a hairy body…chest hair….like Austin powers. And that wasn't the worst of it. he called to me…. 'I will find you! I will and you will become my sex slave!'" Pippin couldn't continue.

"We must head to Gondor for me and Lord Denethor have made a bet and I won!" Gandalf said. It was now the next day.

Merry was pissed. "Why do you always have to look!?"

"Name one time where I wanted to look?" Pippin asked.

"When my sister was bathing."

"I don't know she was ho. I couldn't help it."

"You never can."

"I'm sorry alright, I won't do it again."

"You don't understand, she's been looking for you for 2 years and she's hot on your trail, and she'll find ya plus you saw Sauron in the shower too and he's gonna find you!"

And thus…Pippin the perv left.

On the way Pippin had a wet dream and was stuck to the horse.

"We're going to have to leave your pants with the horse." Gandalf grimly informed.

"Get me drunk so I have a reason to run around half naked." Pippin said and thus he ran around the citadel screaming "LOOK AT ME!! I'M PETER PANTSLESS!!"

Gandalf went to the king alone that day, he found pip afterwords but that's another story!

_Another chapter done…sigh…well it'd be great if ya left reviews and yes please review! _


	9. messed up chapter numero 2

_Well here's the next chapter of this story, Baileigh has been asking me why I haven't updated, but then she realized I had some writers block with my Naruto story and helped out so in my deep gratitude I'm updating this! Hehehe this is where Baileigh took over since I had to leave…but I'll add in my touches anyway, Baileigh added in hers before. _

_Dislcaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. _

Jaydie, Frodo, Sam and stinky…I mean Gollum entered Minas Morgul. They began to climb the wall except for Frodo who wanted to examine the art work….an ugly son of a biatch with his tongue sticking out.

"Dude I should really get the number of his decorator I mean, that's wicked!" Frodo said in amazement.

Suddenly green light shot out of the castle or whatever the hell it was and formed into a dragon into the sky. "Holy shit that's one awesome light show!" Jaydie commented.

"Super Nazgul to save the day na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na NAZGUL NAZGUL NAZGUL!"

"Run!" they cried and climbed up some of the rock and took cover.

* * *

In Rohan Aragorn saw the torches lit and went to the king "Gondor calls for aid!"

"Rohan will answer!" King Theoden answered.

They all then went to Dunharrow.

* * *

The 4 continued to climb the wall, and sam's distrust for Smeagol was at an all time high, Gollum was poisoning Frodo's mind against Sam and Jaydie, saying that they were after his ring. Sam slowly went to sleep when Gollum had a mean idea, get rid of their food, alcohol and the sedatives Sam used on Frodo when he wanted a little 'action' if you know what I mean.

(dude, my stomach just did a really weird noise and I can't stop laughing!! I think I should stop eating the day old pizza…but it's sooooo good!!)

Sam and Jaydie woke up and woke up Frodo.

"The elven bread is gone!" Sam informed.

"That's all we have left!" Frodo cried.

"He ate it." Jaydie commented pointing at Gollum.

"He can't he doesn't eat it." Frodo answered.

"Honestly Frodo! For once Fatty didn't do it!"

"Look, what's this?" Gollum asked, brushing crumbs off Sam's cloak and a couple of sedative pills. "I seen h im, he's always stuffing his face while master is not looking and slipping sedatives in his drink…Birdie girl watches."

"THAT'S A FILTHY LIE!" Sam cried. Well it wasn't all a 'filthy lie.'

"I'll kill him!" Jaydie cried. Frodo stopped her. Frodo thinks Sam and Jaydie want the ring for themselves

"Go home Sam." Sam begins to cry and Frodo turns to Jaydie "And you…"

"Frodo-"

"Go back to Aragorn. That's where you belong."

"Frodo…"

"GO!"

Jaydie's eyes glow with rage. "FINE!!" She takes off in search for her master.

* * *

In the city, Faramir prepares to go into battle after his father's conversation with him. The army charges toward the orcs.

The king asks pippin to sing for him and after a while Pippin does so and this is what he sang.

"Won't your mother be disgusted when she finds her son is busted by that old cop down the street Yeehaw! Won't she scream in your ear when she finds ya with that beer grinning and a stumbling all around! Yeehaw!"

(I can't remember how the song went off of bad news bears, the older one.)

As Faramir's army charges, arrows are drawn and they let them fly.

* * *

Somewhere else, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Jordi look for recruits in the army.

"The horses are nervous but the men are quiet." Legolas sighed.

"They see how many ugly people are riding them. They wanna escape." Jordi laughed. Legolas sighed again, her stupidity never ceased to amaze him.

Some guy tells them of the dead people in the mountains. Aragorn is later that night led to a tent to meet with someone he knows. The man removed his hood.

"Lord Elrond." Aragorn said and bowed his head. "You actually came?!"

"I come on behalf of one whom I love." Elrond informed. "Arwen is dying and I ran out of hair gel…." Aragorn flinched along with his lover dying Elrond without hair gel wasn't a pretty sight. Elrond tells Aragorn that Arwen's fate rests with destroying the ring. Elrond then gives Aragorn Aundril.

"Dude! I never thought I would see that baby again after that crack dealer stole it from me, how did you find it?!"

"Boromir sent it to me before he died." Elrond said. He then looked thoughtful "I have something else for you…"

"It's not another punch in the face is it? Cause if it is, I don't want it." Aragorn answered.

Elrond steps aside to reveal another hooded figure. It removes the entire cloak and Jaydie reveals herself. Aragorn is so happy to see her he hugs her. Jaydie pushes Aragorn away (or attempts to.)

"Alright big brother. Enough with the sweet stuff." (Big brother as in she thinks of him as a brother…just rectifying that)

"Where's Frodo?"

Jaydie shrugged her shoulders "Couldn't find him." She lied.

When Eowen comes to stop Aragorn from leaving he tells her off. As Aragorn rides away and leaves the woman crying Jaydie looks at her before following him.

"He's way outta your league lady."

Aragorn calls Jaydie and she flies off to join him and the others.

"Oh great the harpie's back." Gimli groaned.

"Afraid so." Jaydie answered "Sorry shrimpy."

The gang all left for the mountain and Jaydie was perched on the back of Aragorn's horse.

_END!_

_Well that's the end of this chapter, I don't know when on earth I'll update but probably soon! Well buhbye for now and please review! _


	10. Pellenor Fields and Cirith Ungol

_well I'm sitting on my bed sitting there and realized I better update this…I already got this written but yeah just me being lazy and playing Uzumaki Chronicles all weekend. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. _

In the mountains Legolas tells the story of the cursed dead men.

"This whole curse thing must be a myth." Jaydie said. "I don't believe."

Then a sound spooked the horses making them run and startling Jaydie so she flapped her wings and knocked Gimli to the ground

"Legolas! What the hell was that?" Jordi asked.

"I do not fear death." Aragorn went into the cave with Jaydie close behind. Jordi out of slight fear grasped Legolas's hand (as much as she didn't want to admit it.) and they went inside leaving poor Gimli by himself.

"I'll never hear the end of it!" Gimli said following them "I think I crapped myself."

"So that's what stinks." Jordi said in the darkness. Aragorn. Legolas and Jaydie's laughter could be heard.

The 5 ran through the caves. The only light was the torch Aragorn held.

"who enters my domain?" A voice asked. The King of the dead asked.

"Let go of my hand you homo!" Legolas shouted at the frightened Gimli.

"The one who will have your allegiance." Aragorn answered.

"The dead do not suffer the living to pass." The king said.

"You will suffer me." Aragorn shot back.

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"Nuuuuuh uuuuuhhh!"

"Yeeeaaaahhh hhhuuuuhhhh!"

"Shut up and listen to him Aragorn!" Jaydie yelled.

The king laughed as his army appeared. "The way is shut and now you will die…"

"I love life…I WANNA LIVE!!" Gimli cried.

Aragorn tries to negotiate with the dead.

* * *

Meanwhile Gollum led Frodo to a cave. "Go in."

"Frodo hesitated. "Your not gonna rape me in here are you?"

"No, no, no."

Frodo entered the cave and got lost. He attempts to find Gollum and gets even more lost. Soon he wishes that he had Sam and Jaydie with him. Frodo runs through the caves and gets even more lost….(déjà vu anyone?) Frodo remembers the light of Elendil. (or something…my book is very old and worn out.) He takes it out and the cave lights up. Soon Frodo wants the dark when he sees a giant spider.

"HOLY SHIT!" Frodo yells.

The spider attacks. Frodo uses the light against it but makes it really pissed off. Frodo runs and gets stuck in a web. Gollum laughs at him.

"How stupid is master? Believing a little shit like us."

Frodo cuts through the webs and escapes just in time. Gollum attacks him and tried to take the ring. Soon Gollum says the 'Precious' made him do it.

"I have to destroy it for both our sakes, smeagol." Frodo says, "Before I become a little shit like you."

Gollum snaps and attacks Frodo. Frodo throws Gollum over an edge and cries, "I'm so sorry Sam! I'm so sorry Jaydie! I'm so sorry…"

After Frodo runs and runs, he is unaware of the spider. Shelob stings him and wraps him up in gift-wrapping. Sam comes and battles Shelob. After the spider retreats Sam gets cocky. "Yeah you better run you over grown bastardized beatle! OOH A PRESENT!!" He unwraps Frodo. "OH MY GOD I GOT A DEAD PERSON FOR CHRISTMAS!! THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!" he then looks closer at the person "OH MY GOD IT'S FRODO!!" He began to cry and actually thought he was dead. Two orcs then say he is stunned and take him away. Sam went to go eat French fries before they found Frodo. Sam goes and rescues Frodo. "Oh man, he owes me for this…his ass would be dead if it wasn't for me jeez…"

* * *

Just when the king was about to cremate Faramir, Gandalf and Pippin show up.

"He's alive you dumbass!" Pippin yells.

"Listen to the dumbass, dumbass!" Gandalf adds.

The king lights himself on fire and jumps off a cliff because he over dosed on meth and he thought that he was being attacked by a pant less Pippin. "I know I'm not much of a praying man, but if your up there please save me super man!" Were Lord Denethor's last words.

* * *

At the war the good guys start winning. Aragorn, Jaydie, Legolas, Jordi, and Gimli attack orcs by the shores and make their way to the battle. Jaydie saves Aragorn's life by throwing an orc archer off his platform.

"Thanks Jaydie." Aragorn said while decapitating an orc.

"Bookity Bookity bookity boy lets go fighting!" Jaydie said enjoying herself.

Legolas did another sweet move by killing an Oliphant.

"Show off…" Jordi said.

"Thank you." Legolas gloated landing beside her.

The dead finished the fight and Aragorn released them all. They went to peace. (Peace man!)

* * *

Frodo found himself in the tower. Orcs went through his clothes. 'What perverts!' he thought. Sam saved Frodo after he had a couple of shots of Vodka so he could completely destroy his reputation by grunting like he was constipated and making his shadow bigger. And they both escaped.

* * *

Aragorn plans to attack Mordor and distract Sauron to give Frodo a chance to get to Mt. Doom.

"Large certainty of death…small chance of success….what the hell are we waiting for…we chance that with Aragorn on chilli night." Gimli said.

"Yay! My first suicide mission!" Jaydie cried.

"How the hell can you be excited about that?" Jordi asked.

"Aragorn's been treating me like a child for years."

"I see."

They ride out to Mordor and are at the gate. "Let the lord of the black land come forth!" Aragorn called.

"AAHH! It's Sam-Sam!" Jordi yells to an orc. 'Actually he looks like a bad guy from Uzumaki chronicles.'

Aragorn starts to talk with the orc and the orc shows them Frodo's mithril shirt and sword. And Jaydie is getting impatient. "Just kill him!"

"Good idea." Aragorn chops the orc's head off and the army gathers at the gate.

"Lets beat the shit out of them!" Jordi and Jaydie call at the same time. "CHARGE!"

_END! _

_Well I hope that you liked this chapter, it was a little bit longer than the other ones but yeah please review and tell us what you think! _

_Sakura Sama 101_


	11. ch 11, 12, Throning thing, epilouge 1,2

_Well I'm good and peeved off. No one reviewed for this chapter except for Baileigh. So I'm updating so I can get my much better stories out there. By the way bay this chapter is chapter 11, 12 and the throning thing and all the epilogues, mine and yours together, they're all so short that it can be put into this chapter. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the rings._

"I never thought I would die side-by-side with elves." Gimli commented.

"How about dying side-by-side with your friends?" Legolas answered.

"Yeah geez! I may tease you almost constantly but you're still my friend." Jordi added

Jaydie was up in the air by the orders of Aragorn to find Frodo and Sam, her eagle eyes spot Frodo and Sam making their way to mount doom. She picks the unconscious Frodo up and takes him to the entrance to Mount Doom

"Throw it in!" She yells at Frodo.

Soon both Sam and Jaydie are yelling at Frodo and even going so far as threatening to put a cap in his ass. Frodo says the shiny thing is his and pushes Jaydie off the mountain

"IIIIIIIIII'LLLLLLLLL GGGGGEEEEEEETTTTTTTT YYYYOOOOOUUUUU, YYYYOOOOUUUUU LLLLLIIIIITTTTTTTLLLLLEEEEE SSSSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!" Jaydie cried then flew back up just as Gollum attacked Frodo.

"You little shit…get him retard!" she flew off calling Aragorn. Soon she was fighting down below at Aragorn's side again. Gollum bit Frodo's finger off and took the ring. Frodo stood up.

"You little bastard…" He pushed Gollum and the ring off the mountain…Gollum died thank god. Frodo dusted himself off, "That little bastard bit off my middle finger!"

* * *

A troll attacked Aragorn and was stepping on him with Jaydie doing everything she could to free him. Legolas and Jordi shot the troll and killed it from both sides.

Suddenly Gandalf came flying with the eagles.

"Oh! Pretty birds!!" Gimli said pointing.

"WOOHOO! In your face Sauron!" Jordi and Jaydie yelled together "He won't be in Lord of the rings 2."

All the orcs fled and the black gate also fell. "Where's frodo?" Jaydie asked.

Jaydie took off and found the 2 hobbits surrounded by lava. She carried them both on her back to Aragorn. She danced and sang "I carried the fatass and I didn't fall!"

* * *

Frodo woke up in joy to see Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn, Jaydie and Jordi all ok. He was happiest to see Sam though.

"I know this is a bad time but…you owe both Aragorn and me 72 000 dollars in legal fees." Jaydie said to the hobbits.

Aragorn was made king and Jaydie was made his royal adviser and messenger. And that was the reason for the hobbits having to owe them 72 000 for letting Jaydie carry them and suing Sam for putting her back out of place. And this was the celebration of all the good things happening…let us tell you what happened during the throning ceremony and dinner

Throning thingy…

It was Aragorn's throning ceremony and it was one shindig event. Gandalf accidentally put his crown on wrong and when they got it on right and Aragorn stood. Rose petals began to fall.

Gimli was entranced "Ooooohh….Flowers…." then sneezed "Shit…allergies." Aragorn began to walk down the aisle. Jaydie was close behind him.

"Turn that frown upside down!!" she whispered. Aragorn wanted to shoo her off…but it would distort his kingly image. Legolas and Jordi were side by side and Aragorn came up to them and Jordi tripped on her way there. Legolas and Aragorn did their secret man/elf hugging thing where they put their hands on the other guys shoulder

"Now, now no mushy stuff this aint brokeback mountain." Jordi said

"Sup Lego?" Aragorn talks gansta in elvish

"Not much." Legolas answered and they put on gay hats and Jordi paused to bang her head on a pillar. She then spots Arwen.

"Don't look! You'll be sucked into the gayness!" Jordi moaned. Arwen shook her head for Legolas and Aragorn were back to normal. Arwen and Aragorn looked into eachother's eyes in a lovey dovey fashion

"Arwen…are you wearing contacts again? Your eyes were green yesterday." Aragorn commented.

"Just kiss her already!" The fellowship cried.

"While Gandalf's still alive!!" Jordi, pippin and Jaydie yell.

"I'm not that old." Gandalf answered.

"Gandalf, you're so old you sat behind Abe Lincoln in 3rd grade." Aragorn informed.

"How did you kn-I mean no I didn't!" Gandalf answered.

And then Arwen and Aragorn kissed. Jaydie was waving Gandalf's 3rd grade yearbook around in the backround and showed the hobbits the picture. And Gandalf was shooting magic at her and then she flew up in the air and Gandalf sicked the eagles on her.

"The eagles are coming! The eagles are coming!" Jaydie yelled.

* * *

Later that night was a delicious feast. Unfortunately ruined by 2 words by our mischievous she/elf.

"FOOD FIGHT!!" Jordi yelled shoving a pie in Elrond's face, he immediately whipped some mashed potatoes at her in the face. Merry and Pippin hid under the table as everyone fought, Jaydie threw a bunch of carrots at Faramir and blamed it on Eyown. Frodo threw a steak at Sam, which he ate when he caught it in his mouth.

"So much for starting a subway diet." Sam moaned as he threw some chicken at Frodo. Gimli was thrown into a giant cake celebrating Aragorn's rule, Legolas and Aragorn were the ones who threw him in. Arwen threw some whipped cream at Aragorn and started licking it off.

"Now Arwen lets save some for 'Later.'" Aragorn said. Legolas shoved mashed potatoes down Jordi's shirt, which she put some Greek salad down Legolas's pants. Next Jaydie, Merry and Pippin dumped a gigantic punch bowl on Aragorn and Arwen.

"Cold cold cold cold!" They moaned. Then everyone retired to the showers.

In the end, Pippin paired up with Merry's sister, Gimli went back to the mountains but did visit Legolas and Jordi, who got married as well, and Sam went on the subway diet and married Rosie cottontail (or whatever her name is) but he did have relations with Frodo in secret. Frodo was normal again and his cousin Scotty moved in with him and they had lots of adventures but that's another story, we are now moving on to the first Epilogue, which is below.

Epilogue 1 (written by Baileigh) Around midnight, Jaydie sits by herself on the roof of the palace when a voice sounds from behind her.

"Oh no not you. You're not here are you? Cause I don't want you go be."

Jaydie turned her head to see a familiar face she thought she'd never see again. "Boromir?!" She shed tears and smiled at the same time.

"What did you want to say sorry to me about?"

"For being such a-" Jaydie began

"Maybe I got mad at you too easily." Boromir put his transparent hand on Jaydie's head.

"I really liked you actually." Jaydie tried to grab his hand but it went through his.

"I know." Boromir smiled. "I'm not that much of a dumbass." He laughed. Jaydie smiled "I really liked you as well"

"No bullshitting?"

"Nope."

"Do you really flipping blame me for being so mean to say I like ya? I'm just a 15 year old harpie."

"You met Faramir?"

"Yeah he's nice." Jaydie smiled "He likes the blonde who liked Aragorn."

Boromir laughed, "Well you take care of Aragorn."

"I will, if I didn't that would be mean, he's watched over me since I was an egg."

"Good."

Jaydie realized why Boromir was telling her this, "Boromir! I'll kick your ghastly transparent ass if you leave!"

"I'll watch over you, don't worry Jaydie." Aragorn quietly entered Jaydie's room and saw Boromir, he wasn't sure what he was most shocked about. The fact that Boromir was there or that he and Jaydie weren't fighting. Boromir looked over to Aragorn. "Hello Aragorn." Aragorn blinked and Boromir was gone. Aragorn went over to Jaydie and pulled her blankets to her shoulders. He kept thinking of what he just saw. As he closed Jaydie's door, all he could say to himself was: "Holy shit!"

Epilogue 2

(Written by me…)

It was Sam's and Rosie's wedding. Legolas and Jordi's wedding was a couple of years before, just after Aragorn and Arwen's. It was a lovely ceremony, unless you count the twins and Elessar asking for foor and anything else a 5 year old would ask.

"Ssh!" Jordi whispered to the twins, there was a boy, who had blonde hair and green eyes and there was a girl who had black hair and blue eyes.

"Ice cream?"

"No Leslie." She told the girl. "When your father gets back from the washroom he'll deal with you 2." She folded her hands on her stomach which was poking out of her tunic.

"Mommy how's bump?" Gilias asked putting two hands on Jordi's tummy.

Jordi sighed and then whispered "Bump's annoyed that it can't enjoy the wedding."

Aragorn and Arwen were having similar problems with their bundle of joy.

"Is it done yet?!" Eldarion asked.

"No dear, not yet, almost." Arwen answered.

"Now is it?"

"No now please be quiet."

"Now?"

"Eldarion listen to your mother, sh!" Aragorn spoke up.

Sam and Rosie kissed and Rosie thew the bouquet of flowers and Pippin caught it and smiled at the girl next to him who looked disappointed and angry, his face paled as he realized it was Merry's sister.

"I'll kill you after the reception." She spoke.

"Flowers?" Pippin asked holding the bouquet to her.

"Thank you." She took them. "But I'm still gonna kill you later."

"Awww…"

They made their way to the reception hall where there was a party going on and dinner was being served. The kids were in delight and so were the parents, you don't wanna deal with a peeved, hungry pregnant woman, or hungry kids or for that matter anyone irritable and hungry. After supper there was dancing and adult games. Pippin offered to baby-sit the children.

He was sitting in a chair and the children surrounded him "I'll tell you about when I looked into the Palantir."

"A seeing stone?" Gilias asked.

"Yes." Pippin answered, "Now your parents told you that Sauron is a lidless flaming eye right?" they nodded. "That's just his head, his whole head is 'the eye' his body is tall, and flabby like we're talking D-cup man titties and he has chest hair like Austin Powers. His ass has so much fat it hangs and will knots like you wouldn't believe. His downstairs was no better." Pippin shuddered.

"Are you gay?" Leslie asked.

"No but the sight was so horrible it was etched in my mind forever. He had a gay man's voice and…it called out to me 'don't run away!! I will find you! And you will be my sex slave!!"

"What's a downstairs?" Eldarion asked. Pippin gave a WTF look. Gilias walked away a long time ago and was with Legolas, Gilias was being bounced on Legolas's knee.

"Where's mommy and bump?" Gilias asked.

Legolas scanned the party "She's helping Arwen with the activities." And Gilias nodded. Leslie came not too long after and tried climbing on Legolas's free knee and he hoisted her up.

"Mister Pippin is strange." Leslie piped up.

"He always was a queer one." Gimli said coming up to them.

* * *

Pippin was trying to make amends with Merry's sister. "I'm sorry alright, you're a likeable enough person."

"What do you like about me?" she asked.

"Your body."

"WHAT!!"

"I'm sorry! That came out wrong!" Pippin explained "You're eyes, they're glittery."

"I guess I'll forgive you, for now."

* * *

Jordi came back munching on an apple "Just finished setting up 'Bob for apples in Tequila.'" She sat down.

"It wasn't in the Tequila was it?" Legolas asked.

"It might have been." Jordi said shrugging. A very intoxicated Jaydie came over.

"Tell hic Aragorrrrn that I'mmm going hooome."

"Alright then." Gimli answered.

"Never mind…Aragorn's over therrre…." She walked over and began to talk to a coat hanger.

"I could never understand her." Gimli commented.

"Well what do you think? Time to put the little ones to bed?" Legolas asked.

"Yeah, I think that's a swell idea." Jordi said, shakily getting up.

"NO!! I DON'T WANNA GO!!" Leslie yelled.

"5 more minutes?" Gilias asked. Arwen and Aragorn took this as an opportunity to try and get Eldarion to go to bed and he went without a fuss.

"Eldarion is going." Legolas stated.

"Fine, but you owe me big." Leslie tried to look threatening.

"Aw! You're so cute!!" Jordi said hugging her. The 4 left the party and to a hotel.

"Well I'm going to bed too." Legolas said. Jordi nodded and they said their goodnights…

THIS IS THE OFFICIAL ENDING OF THE PARODY!! YAH….I HOPE YOU HAD AS MUCH FUN READING IT AS BAILEIGH AND I DID WRITING IT, AND HEY, BAILEIGH AND MY BIRTHDAYS ARE COMING SO WHO KNOWS, WE MIGHT JUST WRITE A HARRY POTTER PARODY!! THAT'S WHAT I'M PLANING REGARDLESS ANYWAY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL PUT IT UP!! ONE OF THESE DAYS FOR SURE AND BEFORE NEXT YEAR!

BUHBYE AND SO LONG AND THANKYOU TO ALL OF THOSE WHO HAVE REVIEWED AND SUPPORTED THIS FIC!!


	12. ANNOUNCEMENT

For all of you guys who LOVED the "Not another Lord of the Rings Parody" series, Sakura Sama 101 and AnarchyGunRage are happy to announce that we are publishing our second installment in the series… "Not Another Harry Potter Parody!" So PULEASE check it out on Sakura Sama 101's profile! So please review and read it! ^_^ We would very much appreciate it!

Peace Out and Milkshakes!!


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